The Mindset Shift That Changed How I Date

It has been my opinion all along that the spirit of dating was finding the perfect person.

However, in reality, I have had to understand that my entire outlook about dating is incorrect.

It is the changing outlook on the very question of how to date that has changed my views on dating, making me ask how I could be the right person.

It just involved rephrasing the question.

I learned to approach each date not as another attempt to meet the right person but as a new opportunity to know myself and others better.

 

Don’t Look at Dating as a Means of Gaining Approval

 

One of the most crucial aspects of changing the way you see dating is understanding that the interest of a person does not mean anything about your worth.

You easily find yourself paying attention to whether the person is interested in you. You start analyzing the text messages, thinking about why they did not call you back, and even changing yourself so that the person would be interested in you.

When you stop trying to make the other person pick you, that’s healthy dating.

The following are some questions that you should ask yourself:

•         Am I enjoying this person’s company?
•         Am I feeling comfortable around them?
•         Do our values correspond?
•         Is this person respectful to me?
•         Are we searching for the same thing?

This transforms the experience of dating from one of auditioning to discovery.

 

Remember That Compatibility Trumps Chemistry

 

But chemistry is not always an indicator of how successful the relationship is likely to be.

He can set your heart racing even though he is totally incompatible with you in the grand scheme of things.

And yet, this, too, is one of the most important lessons I learned in the process of dating.

Is there communication between us? Do our expectations align? Do we respect each other in the midst of conflict? Is there a shared vision for the future of the relationship?

All of these questions may not seem as romantic as butterflies, but they give us a better indication of what a relationship is made of.

 

Your Dating Standards Don’t Have to Be A Demand List

 

Having standards does not mean you want perfection.

The things that you require in a date will make you understand the qualities you look for in a date. You may need honesty, availability, respect, reliability, or communication.

This is what it takes to differentiate between your criteria and expectations.

In the course of figuring out what is important to you on your date, knowing your non-negotiables will definitely help. You can check the power of your non-negotiables here.

Healthy dating standards don’t aim at eliminating people from your dating options. On the contrary, the objective of such individuals is to assist you in recognizing unhealthy relationships.

 

Establish Boundaries for Your Relationship Right from the Start

 

My experience taught me that establishing boundaries need not necessarily be viewed as punishment.

It is all about knowing what is appropriate and what isn’t.

Maybe you don’t want to jump into it immediately. Maybe you think that it’s wrong to be with someone who disrespects you.

Establishing boundaries will make dating a lot simpler.

It’s not necessary to feel guilty for making sure that you live peacefully. It must also be noted that setting boundaries is a two-way process; you cannot set boundaries without expecting your partner to set theirs.

 

Personal Development Must Not End Once You Find a Partner

 

One of the new mindsets I learned is that dating must not become the sole focus of my life.

It may seem natural that once you start seeing someone, all your attention turns to them.

However, personal development does not have to be stopped just because you are dating someone.

Develop yourself in different areas. Keep being involved in your friendships. Go after your goals. Make mistakes and learn from your experience.

Rather than replacing aspects of your personality and life, a good relationship must complement you.

And when you are looking for an easy way to practice your communication skills, you can try online chat.

 

Think About the Partner You Want to Be

 

Though we take ample time to think about our expectations of our partners, very little time is spent pondering what we can bring to the relationship.

One needs to have the following attributes to be a desirable partner in a relationship:

Think about the following questions:

•         Am I actively listening when a person tells me how they feel?
•         Am I able to take responsibility for my actions?
•         Am I expressing myself rather than leaving things unsaid and hoping that I will be understood?
•         Do I respect others’ boundaries even when they do not necessarily apply to me?

These questions could help you identify your weaknesses.

It is just as essential how you communicate with your date. Some practical tips can be found in the dos and don’ts of messages.

 

Good Relationships Take Work

 

Initially, I was under the impression that things would be easy if the right relationship emerged.

But now I realize that even good relations require effort from both people.

But what should be clear here is that even two people who truly love each other may not understand each other, leading to arguments and hurting each other’s feelings.

The most important thing here is not what occurs, but how these individuals behave when this happens.

Relationships have aspects like communication, respect, trust, compromise, and responsibility. The relationship is not about those who don’t have any problems, but who teach you how to handle them.

 

Change Your Dating Goals

 

As you mature and become a person, your personal goals will certainly change, and that is completely alright.

At times, you were probably more worried about keeping things exciting. At other times, you may have been more concerned about security.

While in the past you may have been more interested in having someone attractive, now you value someone who is kind and reliable and shares your basic values.

The important thing is that you know exactly what you want and not what others want from you.

 

The Mindset I Use Now

 

The single most significant lesson I have learned is that dating must not be an activity in which one looks for someone to complete one’s life.

Rather, it must be a process whereby a person finds a complement in her existing life. What matters is whether the individuals that I date like me or not.

But what really matters is whether I am being myself or paying attention to all those warning signs.

What I could do was be curious.

What I could do was give myself some time.

What I could do was be honest.

What I could do was leave if it did not match my standards.

And what mattered the most was that I could grow while dating.

It was through that mindset shift that dating became more of a process than a competition. And maybe that is the true secret of it all, because the objective of finding the right one is not everything. What is needed is self-awareness and making the right decisions.