Dealing With an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

It might even be confusing, given that at some moments your loved one is available, while at other times they are unavailable. While this may mean seeing each other often, talking, kissing and hugging each other, there will still always be a wall between the two of you.

In particular, whenever you feel like getting closer but find it hard to show emotions, it can be hard to get closer. This will become one of your repetitive thoughts, “Am I being selfish or does the fault lie with me in the relationship?” To determine the nature of an emotionally unavailable individual, you must first be able to define emotional unavailability.

 

Definition of Emotional Unavailability

 

Emotional unavailability is the inability to be emotionally available to another person.

Emotionally unavailable individuals may feel certain emotions but are unable to express them. Emotionally unavailable people cannot express themselves emotionally due to being in denial.

Inability to connect emotionally does not always mean that the individual doesn’t care for the other individual. There are different reasons for being emotionally unavailable.

Yet, the reason behind such behavior should not affect its effects on you.

 

Signs of Emotional Incompetence from Your Partner

 

By observing signs of emotional incompetence in your partner, you can determine whether the condition is only temporary.

 

They Shun Emotion Talk

 

They can very well talk to you right away, but they will never be ready to talk about their emotions, fears, dreams, and aspirations.

Whenever you want to discuss your relationship, they will steer the conversation away, saying you always seem so analytical.

It is not only about sharing something with them but also making room for them in your relationship.

 

They Fail to Communicate Their Feelings

 

It is hard for an emotionally unavailable individual to speak out about what they are going through despite the direct question posed.

The responses could include “I don’t know,” “I am okay,” and the like.

The inability to express themselves leaves you doing most of the emotional work in the relationship.

 

They Pull Away When Things Get Serious

 

These are the people who know how to stay connected until intimacy becomes necessary in the relationship.

They could stop communicating after an emotional conversation, stop making plans, or just lose interest in the relationship altogether.

What makes this worse is how close you might feel one day but distant the next.

 

They Don’t Ask About Your Feelings

 

Being together does not necessarily mean being emotionally connected.

In addition, it will require an interest in your loved one’s feelings. When the one who loves you is disinterested in your emotions or even doesn’t want to discuss them with you, then you would become emotionally detached from them.

 

The Importance of Emotional Intimacy

 

Intimacy is the freedom to be yourself with another person without receiving any criticism.

Intimacy entails trust, communication, and dependability. Whenever there is physical attraction and common interests among individuals, there are opportunities for intimacy.

In the absence of intimacy between partners, one feels like living with a stranger at some point.

This doesn’t imply that each relationship should have the same format. Different individuals have different communication styles and different levels of vulnerability. This is about the existence of intimacy that satisfies both sides.

If the absence of intimacy stems from uncertainty about the relationship itself, communication will do the trick. You can use our article on what are we conversations to start such a discussion.

 

Managing an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

 

When handling your emotionally unavailable partner, you will find you need to put in more effort.

This may involve you reaching out to them in many ways, through texts or by assuring them that you are always there for them. But sometimes, trying harder could make things worse.

 

Communicate Without Accusing

 

Do not refer to your partner as being “emotionally unavailable,” but clearly describe the reason why their actions are impacting you.

You can say that you experience disconnection when important matters are not discussed, and that you could use more conversation.

Clearly stated communication will help your partner better comprehend your concerns.

 

Allow Your Partner Room to Speak

 

To ask for emotional integrity from an individual is totally wrong.

If you try to rush him, you will be overlooking the fact that you will actually be moving away from him, whereas he requires time to settle his feelings. What he really needs is communication.

 

Focus on Controlling Factors

 

There is nothing that you can do to increase your partner’s availability.

One’s capability to speak, tolerate certain things, and take care of oneself can all be controlled by him or herself.

Perhaps you should consider whether your needs are being met or whether you can understand your partner’s actions.

 

Create Clear and Healthy Relationship Limits

 

Setting limits is not intended to intimidate or control anyone. It’s all about setting out your needs so that you are respected and feel safe.

For example, you can tell your partner that you are prepared to give them space after the talk, but you still expect them to return to it and not shy away from it.

This is good for both of you.

Also, it is crucial to learn how to set your needs when you put other people’s needs above your own needs. Read more on how to stop people pleasing in relationships here.

 

Not to Mistake Patience for Disregard for Your Needs

 

Patience is helpful when both individuals work hard within a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner.

However, patience does not imply being lonely, ignored, and talked to only one way.

Are there any changes and efforts? Does your partner attempt to communicate better? Do they pay attention to your problems and needs? Does it become easier for you to communicate?

And if not, when you always find yourself thinking that no one is listening to you and nothing is happening on your partner’s side, maybe you should consider what you really want from your relationship?

 

Is It Possible For An Emotionally Unavailable Individual To Change?

 

Absolutely, individuals can change how they communicate, but real change is often contingent on the individual initiating it.

Although it may be possible to create an atmosphere in which such a conversation can take place, you cannot change them emotionally.

If they become aware of their problems and wish to change, they will have to learn to have some very uncomfortable conversations.

 

Ways to Protect Your Emotions

 

As you begin the process of learning about an emotionally unavailable person, you will inevitably find yourself in a situation where the whole world is focused on the relationship.

Do not ignore your life outside of this relationship. Think about your experiences with other people, as well as what drives you and what you desire.

Just remember that your need for intimacy is not an indication that you have been very difficult. It is perfectly realistic to expect to get everything that one needs in a healthy emotional relationship.

 

It Takes Two to Connect

 

Being emotionally detached proves difficult because there is never any certainty that love will lead to emotional intimacy.

An individual can attempt to be open and truthful about all their emotions and dreams; show empathy towards their partner; place certain boundaries; and allow their partner some space to speak up. Yet you have the right to a relationship in which you can experience your emotions freely.

The idea isn’t to push your partner into being someone else. The idea is to find out whether you can build a relationship in which vulnerability and communication are possible.

A single open discussion might tell you more than several weeks of wondering about what is going on.